Here’s a monologue I wrote for a character I’m developing for one of my classes at Serious Actor Sleepaway Camp. In this context, she’s a girl trying out for the cheerleading squad. It’s horribly dark and maybe a little sad, but I think it’s funny, which only underlines the fact that I should never be allowed in public. Whatever the hell this is after the jump!
Hi guys! Before I start, I just wanna say how happy I am that you let me come try out for the squad. Megan, I know you got sent to all-girls Catholic boarding school after you duct taped me to the wall next to the urinals in the boys’ locker room but I’m so glad we can get past that and…oh, right. Get on with it. Ok! I wrote this cheer myself, and I sure hope you like it. Here goes!
Cromwell was drawn and quartered
Trotsky got an ice pick to the brain
Nathan Hale was hung to death
Just like Saddam Hussein
Jimmy Hoffa, he got cut up
And put in an oil drum
But that’s nothing next to what you’ll get
‘Cause here the Wildcats come!
Did you like it? You know, I thought people wouldn’t get offended since I picked some pretty unsympathetic historical figures, so…ok, sure! I can - wait. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a flying half lay out liberty twist before. I can do a somersault! Do you want to see me do a somersault? Ok, great!
Alright! That was a pretty good somersault if I do say so myself. Is there anything…hey! Did you just throw a pen at me? I…ow! Scissors? Who DOES that?
You don’t…you can’t…
[cries. horrible keening noise.]
I’m sorry, it’s just…I’m having a really hard time right now. I don’t seem to fit in anywhere. I got kicked out of the drama club because I hate Glee. I joined the sci-fi club, but the dungeonmaster kept using my character as sexual currency which really freaked me out ‘cause he’s my bio teacher. And the Mathletes won’t let me join since I only know 16 digits of pi. It’s hard. I guess…I guess I just thought that you guys would accept me. Especially you, Megan, we’re pals, right? Oh.
Well…you wanna see another somersault? ‘Cause I can…oh, ok. I understand. So…thanks a lot, guys. Bye now!